A Love Song for Two Dolphins

In 1981 Pete Waterman signed me to MCA music. Pete had great ears for a song and was an excellent song salesman. (He was one helluva bullshitter) I prospered under his guidance and pretty soon I had loads of artists cutting my songs. One day I got a call to say I was urgently needed in London. I flew down and arrived in Pete's office around midday. Pete introduced me to some American guy who's name escapes me.He was one of the producers of the movie, Jaws 3D which was nearing completion.

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Anyway, this guy treats me to the story of his wonderful new movie and tells me all it needs is a killer song. Apparently it's a "boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl" theme. Except in this case there are no boys and girls involved; the lovers in question are dolphins.

He says they have Streisand lined up to sing this yet to be written song. Pete has put me in the frame to write the lyrics and makes his office available to conduct my work. Pete and the American guy go off to lunch saying they will check my progress on their return. As they are leaving the America calls back over his shoulder, "hey kid, gimme a love song for two dolphins"

Alone in the office I slide the cassette into the machine.

Shit!!!!!

How on earth can I turn this orchestral pomp into a song. Still I have been charged with the task and have to try. I spent the next two hours racking my brain and writing one liners and drawing doodles. Click here to see my handiwork.



The guys arrive back and the American says, "OK Kid, whaddyah got?"

I say not much and pass over the piece of paper and wait to be well and truly spanked. Pete goes into overdrive. "What did I tell you about my boy, F***ing brilliant, just look at this, sink or swim, I will follow him, that's a killer line". It was just about the only line but Pete was leaving no room for contradiction. He was already on the phone booking a studio for that evening. Then he dashes out of the office and grabs another MCA staffwriter who has a good singing voice. This hapless guy who I seem to recall was named Simon Jeffries was going to have to sing this crap. Like me, Simon was not going to say no to the guy responsible for signing his yearly salary cheque (publishers advance).

I was therefore obliged to spend the rest of the day making words fit to souring violins and trumpets. The pain of this was nothing compared to the recording session that evening. I think we nearly killed the poor vocalist.

Unsurprisingly, I never heard another thing about my entry into the world of movie themes and as it happens I never saw Simon again either.

Click here to hear a love song for two dolphins! (not to be taken seriously)